JW Consciousness Stream - 12 November 2025

JW Consciousness Stream - 12 November 2025

This entry represents something like my stream of consciousness for Wednesday, 12 November, 2025. This is basically like a journal entry that I work on throughout the day and then don't go back to correct errors.

Originally published as: https://deliverystack.net/2025/11/11/jw-consciousness-stream-12-november-2025/

Some songs to start the day:

I woke up really early this morning, maybe 3:00, but didn't get up until 3:30. Yesterday was my last day for pain pills; hopefully I can get through today without a new prescription (though I may need to take something to reduce the swelling).

After three years, I just learned that the Voice Memos app on iPhone has a Copy Transcript option in the context menu that transcribes the audio clip to the clipboard as text. Maybe it wasn't there at the beginning.

I've been writing about starting high school. Just thinking about it brings back so many memories that I thought were forgotten. The result is a lot of writing that will require structuring, editing, and probably pruning. I can't remember much of the details, such as which years certain things happened.

Kham is about to take the girls to school. Usually, they take the motorbike, which is faster and more convenient, especially when the traffic is heavy. I always take the motorbike, but I haven't been able to recently because of my foot.

Kham always seems to be barking at the children. I don't speak much Lao, so I generally can't tell what she's angry about. Kham has explained that this tone does not mean that she's angry, and the children have explained that she is trying to teach them things, but it's a bad role model for relations in my opinion. I've talked to everyone about their behavior and interactions many times, but it really doesn't have much impact, partly because I'm not always here and things revert when I'm not.

To me, it really seems like Kham resents her older daughter. Kham's physical appearance is very important to her, which seems to be the case with many of the more attractive women in Laos. In fact I find that appearances are often more important than reality for many Asian people, particularly Chinese. I was married to a PRC woman for eighteen years. She was not very attractive physically, but there's a concept of "face" in that culture, which is about keeping up appearances - looking wealthy such as by owning the right kind of car, sending kids to the right schools, the children getting good grades and learning a musical instrument, and so forth - it seems to pervade everything.

Kham's had her eyebrows tattooed, she's had a tummy skin/fat reduction, she's got fake tits, and she's had a nose job. I assume that I paid for all of this, as I can't control her spending. The only way for my daughter to be comfortable is for her mother to be comfortable. If I give Kham money for the family, she spends a lot of it on herself and even on her friends.

Wendy is a pretty normal-looking girl by US standards, but is relatively attractive by Lao standards. She's got relatively pale skin, where darker skin is associated with working in the fields and hence lower wealth. She's also got brown hair, which is apparently attractive to Lao people that all have black hair. She goes to an English-speaking school that has lots of foreigners including many falangs/farangs (French/westerners), so she stands out less when she's there.

Sometimes I appreciate Kham's efforts around her appearance, but she also wears so much makeup that she basically looks like a clown to me. It's weird how some woman spend so much time worrying about appearances for their female friends after they've already gotten a partner, especially at places like the temple.

Anyway, Namneung has a different father that Kham claims to have divorced about ten years ago (I'm not certain they were ever really married). Namneung is not unattractive, but she looks more typically Lao. I think that Kham looks down on her for this. Namneung either always had or has developed some behavioral issues, such as taking things, although this is likely a result of early neglect, deficiency, and other things that I would consider to be abuse. Namneung once told me that her mom has hit her and she almost jumps whenever her mom snaps at her.

A few years ago, there was a pattern where Kham would punish Namneung when Wendy misbehaved, which was more often than now. Kham would specifically say things like "Wendy good, Namneung no good". She tries to speak English, but her vocabulary is very limited and difficult to grow, and her grammar is generally Lao (subject and verb often implied rather than spoken, no verb conjugations, pluralizations, or articles, etc.). I was actually worried about the girls' relationship, but they seem to be pretty good sisters now. I think that Wendy may have realized that it's going to be them against mom soon and that she will need her sister's support.

It's sad to see anyone treat children like this, especially their mother. I have to be honest that my ex-wife is the same. She's always been happier with Ben than John. She's been so emotionally abusive to John that I've seen him go basically catatonic. I had to take him into the next room and hold him until he calmed down. He might have been eleven years old at the time. It seems like some women only want babies, not children, and only if those children meet their expectations.

I'm still writing about high school. Man, my older brother and I were completely out of control. I mentioned this to my brother. His response? "The price you pay for early clairvoyance and rational thought."

I got a haircut. My foot has been hurting again. My ribs and back also hurt. I'm trying to get through the day without painkillers, but I'm not sure that I'll make it.

I remembered that yesterday, Kham did something else that upset me. Everyone knows that I don't want the children to spend so much time on screens, especially Wendy, who turns six at the end of this month. When Kham brought her home from school yesterday, Wendy impertinently demanded that I tell her where her iPad is (it's actually a droid device that her mother bought). I explained repeatedly that I had not seen it, that I had not hidden it, and that I had no idea where it was. So, instead of setting reasonable shared limits for the child, Kham tries to make me look like the bad guy. She also apparently told Wendy that I cracked the screen on the device, though I never saw it before the screen was cracked.

After I helped her with her homework, Wendy ended up playing on the computer that I had given her sister. I guess a larger screen with a keyboard is not quite as bad as a tablet. Once a child has access to screens, it's almost impossible to get them off, which I had to do with TikTok and have had to do a few other times. It's hard to force her to read books or do anything else with me, especially since I have a broken foot and can't play hide and seek or play on the floor with her. I don't mean to make excuses, but just getting up the stairs to get books is a challenge, and I don't always want to be the bad guy.