Avoid People Who...
It seems that the number of possible negative personality traits severely outnumbers the number of possibly good personality traits. In truth, most people will have at least some characteristics to which you might object. To have any friends and especially to forge long-lasting intimate relationships, each individual must determine the points on which they are willing to compromise. Attempt to define the points on which you are willing to accept weakness before entering and especially committing to any relationship.
There are enough people in the world that you should be comfortable walking away from some without exploring all possibilities for interaction or working to restore relationships to which they have done the most significant damage. While it is possible for people to change, past behavior is the best predictor of future actions. Someone who disrespects or doesn’t value your relationship today is unlikely to respect and appreciate you tomorrow.
Basically, avoid anyone that doesn’t make you feel good, especially if they don’t make you feel good about yourself. That doesn’t mean that they must think you’re perfect. If they want to help you, they should be able to present their suggestions as constructive criticism, not as complaints or ultimatums.
Your author strongly suggests avoiding people with avoidant attachment style. Relationships with avoidant people can be exciting and compelling, but also tend to be unhealthy, especially for people who themselves have anxious attachment styles.
In addition to developing the virtues listed previously and minimizing the converse traits in yourself, avoid people who engage in the behaviors described in this chapter and avoid such conduct in your own being. In general, avoid people who have mental disorders, don’t have logic, are not emotionally intelligent, don’t feel good about themselves, or don’t make you feel good about yourself.
//TODO: Look for patterns, not one-off or occasional behaviors
Are Always Right
Nobody is always right, regardless of how they act or what they claim. Someone who cannot accept that they too make errors lacks perspective, specifically the ability to introspect, and may not be capable of making changes required for growth and improvement.
Acknowledge when you are wrong, and beware of others that never see any fault in themselves.
Never Apologize
When it has been brought to their attention that someone has injured another, the first and most appropriate step towards reconciliation is an apology. Refusing to accept responsibility or apologize can indicate a character flaw or an attempt to maintain control. An apology costs nothing and can provide a resolution to an issue that could otherwise escalate.
When someone takes offense at something that you have done, have no hesitation to apologize, but do not get into the habit of apologizing excessively. Your name is not “sorry”. An apology is an indication that you recognize that you have done something wrong and intend to change your behavior to avoid recurrence. Someone who will not apologize does not recognize that they need to amend their ways.
Are Critical or Judgmental
It can be helpful to point out when things are not optimal and make specific suggestions for how others could improve themselves, their lives, and the circumstances of others. People that constantly find fault in themselves, the world, society, and others are an emotional drain on those around them. If one perceives that something could be better, then one should work constructively to improve that thing rather than simply criticizing constantly.
Beware that you are not overly critical or judgmental of yourself, others, circumstances, or anything else, but instead work towards making improvements everywhere.
Are Overly Categorical or Exaggerate Excessively
Putting things into categories allows mental models that allow us to simplify the world and convey a significant amount of information with minimal words. For example, saying that someone is a narcissist communicates a great deal about the person, whether or not they are a narcissist (it would be better to say that they express narcissistic traits). While it can sometimes be appropriate to make categorical statements or exaggerate in order to make a point, excessive use of these rhetorics can be a form of manipulation.
Lack a True Sense of Humor
A sense of humor is a sign of intelligence and metacognition that makes life more pleasant and bearable. Humor can help us maintain equanimity. People that cannot recognize various forms of comedy or don’t understand when it is appropriate to laugh can be difficult companions.
Stay away from people that have overly dark senses of humor, especially those that find pleasure in the misfortune of others.
Play with Semantics
One way that manipulators apply their techniques is to argue over the meaning of their words. This is a frustrating waste of time that is best avoided. Communicate clearly and directly rather than avoiding direct explanations.
Devalue Your Achievements
People with low self-esteem may avoid recognizing the strengths and achievements of others and may even belittle their successes. Without overflowing praise, congratulate others on their accomplishments.
Rely on Emotional Arguments
When logic fails them, some individuals resort to emotional arguments, which are invalid appeals to empathy, sympathy, and compassion. Refute these with logic.
Use Sex for Power
In intimate relationships, sex can be a form of power. Obviously, the physically stronger party in a relationship can take advantage of the weaker party, but someone with greater control of their emotions (or worse, someone that lacks true emotions) can use the other party’s desire for intimacy, affection, and sex, such as by offering and withholding sex.
Obviously, everyone has the right to control their body and what happens to it. If there is a mismatch in your levels of desire for physical intimacy, or your partner is inconsistent with their affection, find a new partner rather than staying in a relationship that cannot fulfill your needs.
Act Superior
Make Condescending Remarks
Give Dirty Looks
Facial expressions can be remarkably effective in triggering emotional responses, especially in people who suffered various forms of abuse as children. Often, malevolent looks foreshadow inappropriate language or behavior, such as yelling or even physical abuse. If someone intentionally uses their facial expressions to stir up negative feelings, confront them about this habit, or abandon the relationship.
Make Jokes that Aren't Funny
Beware of people who make cruel jokes, use offensive sarcasm, or claim humor for something they said that was actually manipulative.
Imply that You Are Mentally Deficient
Avoid people that suggest that you are forgetful, insane, unintelligent, or otherwise mentally deficient.
Bully You or Others (Physically, Intellectually, or Emotionally)
Are Disrespectful to Waitstaff and Other Service Staff
Use Physical Intimidation
Including throwing things, breaking things, pounding on things, and making loud and startling noises.
Raise Their Voice
Play (Too) Hard to Get
People need to be guarded in order both to save and to demonstrate their worth. People that play too hard to get aren’t worth the effort; move on.
Guilt or Shame Trip
Make Invalid Ultimatums
Define Time Limits
Ask Loaded Questions
Create Create No-Win Situations and Impossible Choices
They are the only ones that can win. Even if it appears that they lose, they achieve some sense of power in their own minds, and possibly in yours. If there is no potential advantage to you, and only disadvantages, get out of the situation.
Provide an Illusion of Choice
One tactic used by manipulators is to give you an illusion of choice. For example, your friend or partner may ask what you want to do for entertainment or to where you would like to travel. When you respond, they may consistently disregard your opinion and pursue their original interests, whether or not they had stated them in advance.
Decisions that involve multiple parties depend on compromise. Maintain willingness to compromise, but don’t be the party that always compromises.
Catastrophize and Magnify Their Problems
Call You or Others Hurtful Names
Are Hypersexual, Sex Addicted, Love or Sex Bomb
If hypersexuality or sex addiction is consistent, it’s unhealthy. If it’s inconsistent, it isn’t real, and is likely manipulative.
Feign Ignorance
In order to manipulate others, such as to coerce various forms of assistance due to sympathy, some people pretend to be unintentionally ignorant, whether uninformed or lacking cognitive skills.
Belittle Your Opinion
Are Unappreciative
Use Sleep Denial
Especially in intimate relationships, sleep denial is a form of abuse. You do not want to be in a relationship with someone that would prefer to argue all night rather than shelving the issue for a future peaceful discussion.
Create False Hope
Toy with Emptions
Demean Sarcastically
Deny Their Issues or Actions
Are Passive Aggressive
Passive aggression describes hostile behavioral tactics wherein an individual avoids direct confrontation or even communication, such as showing up late or staying silent when a response would be appropriate.
When someone uses passive aggression, don’t react. Don’t apologize, don’t get frustrated, anxios, or upset. Don’t confront them. Don’t trivialize but do minimize their behavior. Simply ask them what’s wrong. Their response should dictate your next action, which may be to delay further interactions. If they don’t want to address the issue over time, you may need to walk away.
Use Other People
Do not participate in superficial and exploitative relationships. Avoid one-way relationships, where you do things for someone but they do little for you. Some people attempt to play themselves as victims to establish pity and guilt in you, especially if they can manipulate circumstances or perspectives to make it appear that you contributed to their misfortune. They then use your empathy to control you.
Are Overly Dramatic or Constantly Seek Attention
Use Coercive Tactics
Use Manipulative Tactics
Are Overly or Not Constructively Critical
Drain Your Energy
Are Constantly Negative
Always Have to Get the Last Word
Beware of people who always want to get the last word, whether in friendly communications or in an argument. That doesn’t mean that you should always get the last word but consider this tactic. In an argument, if both parties always want to get the last word, the argument will never end. It is not necessary to respond to everything.
Are Controlling
Play the Victim Card, Seek Pity, or Act Like Martyrs
Especially when they hurt you and then play the victim.
Are Not Open and Communicative
Are Self-Centered
Disregard Boundaries
Are Not Attentive
Are Not Conscientious
Are Not Trusting
Are Not Accepting
Make Little Effort
Have Unrealistic Expectations
Cannot Compromise
Gaslight
Breadcrumb
Benchwarm
Monkey Branch
Do Not Take Responsibility or Show Accountability
Are Inconsistent
Especially when their words are inconsistent with their actions.
Are Perfectionists
Keep Secrets that Shouldn’t Be Kept
Throw Others Under the Bus
Gossip
If they gossip about others, they almost certainly gossip about you. Gossip is often a form of dishonesty; if a person has an issue with another, they should address that person directly.
Stonewall
Stalk You or Others
Appear Able to Turn Off Their Emotions
Give the Silent Treatment
When someone gives you the silent treatment, simply walk away, regardless of what you have invested in the relationship. Do not indicate that you will make any effort to resume communications.
Are Judgmental
Frequently Overexaggerate
Are Isolated
Attempt to Isolate You
Don’t Have Many Long-Term Friends
Triangulate
Share Secrets
Don’t share secrets early in a relationship. Never share secrets with people who share others’ secrets with you. They will almost certainly share your secrets with others.
Are Not Supportive, Are MIA, and Fair-Weather Friends
Some people only appear when they need something from you.
Backstab
Break Promises
Especially those that break promises repeatedly.
Play Games
Don’t Care about the Feelings of Others
People can pretend to care about you and others for quite some time before it becomes apparent that they only care about themselves. Look out for subtle signs. If something feels off in your relationship with another, even if you can’t quite place the root cause, get away from that person.
Have a Scarcity Mindset
Give You the Cold Shoulder
Are Evasive
Don’t Know What Love Is
Don’t Answer Questions
Think about why a person doesn’t answer a question. Are they not listening to you? Have they forgotten your question? Do they think it’s not important? Do they have a reason to keep the answer secret? Are they playing a game with you? Are they intentionally disrespecting you? Are they avoiding the question? Are they overly modest? Unless someone can explain why they won’t answer a question, there likely isn’t a good reason.
At the same time, you don’t have to answer every question asked of you. It’s your choice whether to indicate why you won’t answer a question. Maybe it’s a topic you would prefer to avoid. Maybe they’re crossing a boundary of yours. You can be honest about these things instead of being evasive.
Aren’t Willing to Try New Things
Are Grandiose
Are attached to fantastical versions of themselves.